uncontrollably

Do you ever think of being so in despair but you don’t know exactly why?

I’m a kind of miserable in this recent weeks, or months. I’m haunted with countless nightmares and can’t sleep properly in the night. I think this will anyway disappear by the time flies, but until now, it’s still remained same and I’m literally already broken by it. My heart hurts with the thought of my despair itself. And the saddest thing is, I don’t know exactly why this ‘illness’ attacked me.

It’s an old topic that I’m really such a worry-wart. And I think this is the main cause of all this sickness. And really, I thought I’m just being too greedy all over what I’m possessed now.
I thought, I THOUGHT in my mind that I’ve already cured from those sick despair, I thought I’ve already been fine now. ‘and people will come and go anyway’ thought is already fixed strongly in my brain but somewhere beyond my consciousness maybe can’t, or haven’t take properly all of the truth.

Two people, or maybe will increase as the time passes, will go awaaay far from where my life does happen. My life—with all of those addicting warmth and caramel-ish happiness that I really love to hold. Something I always wait and excited about to cure my repeated boring days will soon vanished. I’ve know since the first time that our encounter won’t be lasted that long. Everyone should always be prepared to say goodbye since the first time they exchanged a hello. And you know exactly that I’m not a well-prepared person.

And I realized that my future is already waiting in front of my face, sleeping like a flower that yearning of sun to wake it up and bloom. But until now, I’m still lost and uncertain. Soon I’ll be in the last year of my high school. And I think I’m not that prepared enough to see the road.

You know, because of all this uncertainty, they drive me crazy and make me itchy with other people. Sometimes I think that I hate all people around me, my classmates my schoolmates my siblings and everyone, ever have a thought of ‘hey-people-dont-you-dare-to-fool-around-and-spread-butthurt-things-while-I-am-now-in-this-fucking-despair’? this kind of things is surely miserable, right? *facepalm* and I’m doing my best enough not to explode in front of people and blow things away <-okay sounds scary but it really feels like that—

I feel so childish and greedy and--hurt.

I don’t want to lose people I treasured. Not again, eventhough in a kind of different way. I’m the type of people that will soon forget many things when it’s not there in front of my face to remind me of. And it’s painful when I forget what I’m not supposed to forget. The memories I cherished about, the moment I don’t want to lose. You think I’m exaggerating all of the things that happened. But really, I’m this kind of people. Not everyone I can be friends with (because a lot of reasons pilled up, you know sometimes I’m hating people with no reasons and it’s surely annoying for most people) so I just have a few of friends I  really care about. And the thought of the count will be soon decreased, I can’t help but feeling sad. Their existences is my mental support besides Arashi. everyone, even the one who I’ve just met in this recent years.

But even I have those kind of feelings, something inside me is accepting the truth. Or rather being so proud of them for being able to step closer to their each own dreams. They have conditions, something that forcing them to fight for their future by themselves. And slightly envying them for walking closer to their own dreams, and I’m just here wondering like idiots. I want to be like them, I want to be something that I wanna be. Not like this, repeating same days all over again.

I know a year will pass so quickly and I will soon experience the same thing. Chase colleges and face the exams. Time is scary. They passes so quickly and sometimes I fear that I won’t be able to run after them.

Do all of this painful thoughts and happenings relate to the terminology of ‘stairway to be an adult’?

Don’t joke with me. this is just--so silly. Ridiculous. Most stupid thing within the stupidity.

And the one that really stabbed me the most is, I haven’t find the way to solve this. I’m a kind of pity for myself.