Fict : Regret.

[Title] Regret -part1-
[Author] kimichichan
[Fandom] Hey! Say! JUMP.
[Rating] G (Friendship, Comfort?)
[Summary] many thing appeared after a calm. for example : storm.
[Notes] my first two-parted One-shot! and I'm still scared to publish it properly because the plot is lame and so many grammar errors~ mind to read it for me? *puppyeyes* ah, bytheway, this is from Yuto-POV.

Monday, 27th 2011. Morning.

It’s strange. I’m  just waking up, and feeling strange. I don’t know what thing that really bothers me a lot in this early morning. Is it because my throat feels hoarse? If  it’s the actual reason behind all of this mysterious feeling, then every morning for me is strange. Then what?

I rubbed my face with my both hands, ruffled my tousled hair and half scratching them, confused. I glanced at my alarm clock that already uproared over my whole room with half-sleeping eyes, smacked the stop button sleepily. It’s 08:04AM in the morning. Yes, 08:04AM. I freeze in my spot in a seconds, my schedule is suddenly flowing out in my head like a flood, my eyes widened in shock then I immediately jump out from the bed with all of my might. Yes, I don’t have a time to be curious about that feeling after all. Even I don’t have a time to have breakfast.

I grabbed all of my stuff and half-forcing them to enter my bag. My agenda almost fall from my case, and I half-heartedly take it back and slightly check my schedule today. School, agency, concert rehearsal, last checking of the newest single.. I sighed heavily, Aaa~ I’ll go home in the late night again~ Oh yeah~ desperately taking my way to outside.

I’m running to the living room, seeing Raiya snuggled behind my mother’s back with his school uniform and shoes. Oh my God, what’s he doing on this kind of time? He’ll be late, of course! I sighed and pulled my brother’s collar gently.

“ Oi, oi, if you stay clinging on Mommy like that, you’ll be late, Raiya-kunn~” scold me half-jokingly. Not like usual, he just slightly flinched then tilted his head to look at me. His face is full of worried and surprised.

“ What’s wrong? “ I asked them, they’re all acting suspicious. I bent down to look on what they’re seeing since a while ago. My mom turned her head to look at me. She stand up from her place with a worried eyes.
A weekly magazine stays in his hands, she holds it tightly and lightly shaking.

“ Yuto…” I stared at my Mom’s eyes, confusedly but curiously. My mom flipped the Shunkan Magazine to a proper pages and show it in front of me.

“ Mom also not believe this, but.. this is Ryutaro-kun, deshou?”

-****-

I dashed, yes, if ‘dashed’ is the proper word of running like a mad and bumping to many people in this hour, then I’m doing it now. The rolled and rumpled magazine now in my right hands, that I’m using it to support my running steps. My heart and my brain is messed up, I can’t think about anything right now. What? Why? How? A thousand of questions is flooding in my head.

I don’t even care about the fact that I’m skipping school right now. I’ll just call my manager to make some reasons to school. It’s that easy, because if my class system is like a usual class, then my class will be full of delinquent student with their hobby is skipping class. It’s almost all of my classmate have an experiences of skipping class. Or it’s almost their hobbies, or habits. It depends on their tight schedule that have a space or not for just sit and listen to the teacher. Even they can’t make it to go to school. And me included between them, of course.

Back to our topic, I’m still running right now. I don’t have enough time to take a taxi or call my manager to pick me up. My heart’s clenching so tightly, painfully if I remember about the picture inside this fucking magazine in my grip. Ryuu, our cute and youngest brother in my group, looking deliquently with cigarettes between his fingers. What’s with that cigarettes?! Even I’m the older one haven’t touch it yet!

My steps stopped in the traffic lights. My hands rubbed my chest desperately, searching for the air. My feet hurts, my head’s feeling dizzy for running through 3 stations. I’m tightening my grip on the rolled magazine, I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. How did he… Why..

I run once again, against the crowd. I want to know the truth.

-****-

“Minna--..!!” I slapped the door in front of me, rushedly and making a loud bump against the wall. But no one seems to care about my arrival, the atmosphere is suffocating, heavy, and no one dares to make a slight sound in this dressing room. Everyone’s already there, gathered and sit in their own places. In the center of the room, Yabu-kun stayed beside the problem boy, that just lowering his head, look on the floor and not dares to look at everyone’s eyes. I sighed, even I know properly that sighing doesn’t make my chest feels lighter, from the running and my suffocating feeling itself.

I look around, one-by-one of the member’s expressions. Chii just placed himself in the sofa’s arm, leaned to the wall beside him, expressionless. His eyes aren’t parting with the centered-boy, his dark eyes is unreadable, and I know he’s forced his emotions to not flood. Beside him that sitting on the sofa, Takaki-kun, his face is very worried, and slightly stiffed. Not like the usually noisy Takaki-kun. My eyes wandered over, Inoo-chan’s sitting in front of the make-ups mirror, positioning his back against the chair and stared at the mirror’s illumination. His both hands is staying in the chair’s arms, his thin fingers knocked the chair’s arm lightly, looks so confused and messed up like me. Hikaru-kun on his side, his hands grip Inoo-chan’s leaned chair tightly. He bit his lower lips, anxiously frustated, his eyes focused on Ryuu and Yabu-kun in the center.
Then I hear a little steps from Yama-chan, that from first time I arrived here, he’s clenching to the main problem’s magazine while sitting in the main table of this dressing room with Keito and Dai-chan. His face covered with anger and.. sadness. Not only him, but everyone in this dressing room. Yama-chan walk closer to Ryuu, Dai-chan’s immediately standing up, trying to stop him, but Keito’s grip on his sleeve make Dai-chan stop moving.  He walked, passed me that staying in front of the closed door, leaned there with crossed arms. The atmosphere makes me can’t breath. It kills me with it’s coldness, and heaviness.

Yama-chan is now exactly in front of Ryuu, two or three steps parted them. Ryuu’s expression looks a bit tensed when Yama-chan come across him with no words, but a frightening aura.

“ Morimoto Ryutaro..” he mumbled, almost can’t be heard. Everyone stiffed, as if they’ve already prepared for a big chaos between them. His right hands lifted up, ready to punch him, or slap him, and I guess it’ll be very hard. I’ve been known Yama-chan since Junior days and he’s popular by his emotional presence. But just now I sensed something between him that I don’t know how to explain it, but I guess he won’t hit anyone with this kind of emotion’s flowing among him.

His right hands moved so fast and Ryuu have already closed his eyes, ready for a hard bump in his face, but not. I smiled a bit. Ryuu opened his eyes when he feels a hand grip his own shaking hands. Yama-chan is there right in front of him, ready to punch him but he not, he’s just gripping Ryuu’s hands, ever so tightly with his hands. His feet feels so limp and he fell, kneeled down desperately. Burrowing his face in Ryuu’s palm and I hear a sob.

“ Why can’t I hit you, I wonder? ” he mutters.

“ Although you’re the fucking reason in this JUMP ever biggest damn scandals? “

“ Although you’re the stupid brat that loses his mind into cigarettes because of curiosity? “
He forced his own sobs to stop but he failed. His tears rolled down on his puffed cheeks, everyone just keep their silence and absorb the situation in front of them. Ryuu stays still, not moves or says anything. Yabu-kun break the silences with coughing a bit in his dry throat.

“ minna..” he called everyone in the dressing room, seeking for an attention.

“ As you know, Ryuu was doing something that’s causing a big problems in our management. Something that this Jimusho is strictly prohibited to the underage johnny’s boys. He’s smoking and the picture of him  is leaked everywhere.  We still don’t know who’s the one that spreading this scandals, but this is terrible. For him, for us, for our group’s reputation.” He sighed heavily, “ from now on, it won’t be the same like the current us. Johnny-san decides to suspend him from our group for unknown time, we won’t know when will he come back..” Yabu-kun’s voice slightly shaking, his hands on the Ryuu’s shoulder’s crumpling the fabric of Ryuu’s hem, like burning his deep wound and trying to not show it in front of the members, and staying steadily like an adults.

I know it’ll become like this, from the first time I found this picture and thought about it in the middle of running, I know it’ll become a big problem in jimusho. I won’t forget that time when Yamashita-kun’s group hit by the same problems. They bent down everywhere, in Johnny-san’s room, in the press conferences, even in the summary stage. They repeatedly said apologies, although the one that’s causing the problem aren’t them. And after that, they were making disappointed their fans by decided to hiatus in unknown time.
Will we be like that?

If I try to imagine it.. if I try to pretend we will be a group with only nine members..

“ Yabu-kun, he—he will be still with us, right? He’ll still do summary with us, right? “ Keito’s stuttered voice break the long silences. His eyes already like a glass, the tears from his corner of eyes drops desperately. Yabu-kun took a long sigh, he couldn’t look to Keito’s eyes properly and slowly shook his head.

“ I’m afraid we can’t..”

Yama-chan’s hands released Ryuu’s, he slowly stand up and face Ryuu properly with that half-swollen eyes. He stared the unmoved Ryuu in a long time, tried to understand what he’s up to.

“ Coward, “ his voice is hoarse, filling with anger. He grabs Ryuu’s collar forcibly.

“ Are you proud of yourself for being an underage smoker? Is the cigarettes that cool?! Fool!” he paused for a seconds, rubbed his eyes that flooded with tears.

“ Are you proud for breaking this group?! Making Hey!Say!JUMP with just nine members?! Are you happy with this?! Stupid! Fucking stupid!” he cursed with frustration.

“ Yama-chan..”

“ Why are you—“ Yama-chan’s questions cut by a low voice.   

“ You don’t know anything..” the silent boy in front of him started to speak. His voice is shaking with many emotions deep inside him. I look at him properly, trying to find the answer. The truth.

“ you don’t even know about anything.. stop pretending that you are know me..” he whispered. Everyone tensed in response to his answer. He takes a short breath and startled me with his shout.

“ YOU ALL DON’T KNOW ME, NOTHING ABOUT ME! JUST DON’T INTERFERE WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS!” he shouted to everyone, to Yama-chan that startled in front of him. He released himself from Yabu-kun’s arm and running to the entrance. The startled me just step aside, he opened the door forcibly and ran outside room, leaving a sound from his steps echoed in the corridor.

“ Oi, Ryuu!” called me from the front door, but he’s already left. I’m leaving the slightly panicked dressing room and running after him. I can’t let him go in this kind of situation. He must explain properly to everyone, or he will cause a bigger problem. If he just left like this, I’m sure JUMP’s situation won’t be better at all.
I’m running through many corridors, searching for him. I’m afraid he’s already entered the lift. if he is, then I don’t have anymore chance to chase after him. But I won’t give up.. my heart already hurts, I rubbed my eyes slightly to erase my tears. I decide to go down through emergency stairs. But luckily, or it’s already a fate, I found him in front of the emergency door, he’s sitting there, embracing his knees. Burrowing his head between his arms. I sighed a little.

“ I found you,” I’m leaning against the wall beside him, crossing my arms. He’s just remaining silent.

“ Ryuu..” called me slowly. A long paused between my words, filling the long silences.

“ remember about our junior times? That time when the choreographer-san was angry with you, too scary until you cried heavily and apologized so many times, then the next day you was faking your absence and pretended to sick..” I laughed softly.

“  sorry for admitting this, but you’re so cute back then.. I can’t believe that you’ll chase my height, because in the past you was more tinier than Chii, even Chii was taller than you.. aa~ I understand Chii’s feeling now..” I’m half-jokingly said, while positioning myself beside Ryuu, following him to brace my own knees and looks straightly to the wall across us.

“ I’ve known you since I came here, we entered this place together, right? and even we debuted together.. fate is awesome, ne? I know you for the longest.. but just now you said I don’t understand anything about you, it’s a bit.. sad, ne..” his head lifted up a bit, his eyes glanced at me carefully. I smiled a bit, my eyes still stared straight on the wall.

“ it’s shame on me, right.. in this many years I’ve been spent with you, I don’t even know anything about you and what are you feeling,”  i’m titling my head, leaning against the door and gazing at the white ceiling. My heart’s clenching painfully, I want to cry, I want to cry so badly right now. But I’m enduring it properly and holding my tears in my corner of eyes.

“ I’m sorry, Ryuu.” I apologized with a hoarse voice. He startled at response of my apology. 

“ I’m sorry for not understand you.. I’m a bad friend, aren’t I? I swear I wouldn’t interfere with your problems again, but—you trusted us, right?” a slight nod. “ then, why don’t you share your problem with us? We’re probably often fooling around, but.. we can listen to you, yo.. ore de ii nara kiku kedo, OVER?” I turned to him with laughing a little, my hands form like a phone as we did it at the promotion dance.
Ryuu’s long stare make me feels awkward and embarrassed. Am I.. failed to reassure him enough? Argh, It’s embarrassing! I turned my head to another directions, wiped my remain tears in the corner of my eyes. Slightly glanced to the other person that haven’t move since forever.

I’m expecting that Ryuu will more angry with me and shout at me, or the worst, he will grab my collar and try to make a fight. If so, I don’t know anymore about how to tame him and make him go back to the dressing room and meet with everyone again. But I’m wrong.

A hand slowly grabbed my left sleeve, and Ryuu’s head is leaning in my shoulder. I’m that too startled to do anything is unmoved, trying to make my position comfortable slowly.

“ Baka..” eh?

“ it isn’t like that, Yuuto..” I hear a soft sob from my left side. I turn my head around the directions, ready for listen to him properly.

“ I’m just..”

----tobecontinued---