stupid mumblings from the stupid ones.

Nandarou? I’m in such gloomy mode again, it’s long time ne.
Today I was sick and doing nothing on the bed, wasn’t going to school either. No PC and mangas make me more sick. =.= I was just lying there and staring at the ceiling. Wondering about silly thoughts and things. Asked my self what’s wrong with my own body for this so-easily illness.
Okay, is this a right time for me to stop starting this post for silly-long introduction?
I’m just wondering.. until now.. Am I cursed?
You know, my… umm, friendship life… from start until this time, I thought I still can’t be a good friends. This kind of life in mine doesn’t going so well. I thought many times, oh my, what’s wrong again with this.. I’m just confusing this things so badly. From elementary school, I’m just a kids with not-so-many friends being around. I’m just being so insecure. After changing class, the ‘friends’ that used to be friends are disappear one by one. They changed. This just changed class problem right? What’s that awkward attention towards me? That cold attitude to me? This isn’t fair. I’m just being too scared. I’m too scared from changing people. I’m too scared for being alone. My thoughts in many years on elementary, just that. I hate people. This unrestrained shock doesn’t give me any break. Suddenly, I feel I used to it. I feel I used to be alone. This just sounds.. so pathetic.
When they leave me, my mind always whisper on me, ‘ah, once again they leave. Well, that’s not a problem right?’ and then, it’s end. After that I learn so many things… like, don’t be too close from them… that’s just making more pains go out. I gave them many lies and things, I hate them. I hate them when they’re near me. They’re just using me for things.
Middle school, I never thought I’ll meet those people. Yeah, those people.
I don’t know how I can be friends with them. I don’t remember at all how we meet and could be friends. Those first year ended so quickly. That’s full of laughter, and.. peaceful feelings. Times that I didn’t feel it at all in elementary. And scaring times I wish it disappear was coming.
Changing class. I hate it. I hate it like hell.
I’m too scared.. am I again cursed?
And as expected, I was separating with those people. I’m not that smart to join that class… I forget how different our achievement was. Like drowning into deep sea, once again, I was too scared to face them. I was too scared for join all of their talks and laughs. They’re a way too different, there is a thick wall between us. When I was beside them I just couldn’t breathe. They’re too far to reach. I’m surrender, I’m staying away from them. Let things become like the past. I was enjoying my days with (faked) smiles and laughs. Trying to run my self into different path. I broken inside.
Yet, I’m wrong. I’m so grateful that I’m wrong.
One year passed hurriedly like a cheetah. In the last years of middle school, once more again I meet them. They’re back. Now I think I’m just a fool scaredy cats. I just can’t think so clearly.. but, I feel like I’m back to my position. I’m so happy until I feel I could jump from second floor.
You know? From this past years I’ve been too scared. When I think of that once more, I always exaggerating my thoughts. I can’t find any courage to hold on.. but I’m just a waaaaaayyy more scared of losing those people. I won’t.. I don’t want to lose them… I’m so grateful that we could meet, we could be in same class, we could talk to each other.. only that, they’re giving me a strange power to live in.. they’re too much precious.
And from that, we’re graduated. I can’t believe it, we strongly connected in this three years. Because I never feel such things as like this. I’m a waaaaaay too happy. We are graduated together, fighting on exams together, we smiled in tears together, we share laughter, playing like there’s no more tomorrow,  I'm glad we are together. so glad.
but once more, we can't see what happen in the future, right?
because the future is truly, more cruel.
I didn't really know the reason, but .. that person seems to disappear from me. that person choose a 'special' class..that's what everyone calls that class. I don't know how to react at all, I don't know how to face that person. really, God, once again, gives my short-peaceful-life a shock.
day-by-day, I'm enjoying my school days. my class are so friendly and cheerful. they're so kind to me and that's make me glad. but this thoughts keep bothering me. I get so well with friends of mine from different school and same middle school also. in the middle school I didn't being so close with them, I think our way of thinking was different. but now that's alright. they're very kind.
and I still playing and talking a lot with my close friends in middle school that now also in the same school as me, she's one of those people. everyday we always discuss many things around in our new places, eventhough we aren't in the same class, we get together easily.
but this kind of things aren't same with me and that person situation. we can't meet each other everyday although we are in the same school. this seems pathetic. we aren't that far to meet, right? our school not that big to make two people can't meet right?
and a semester passed. it's nothing changes.
things that changes just how we face each other. we changes.  you think so, right?
and many things happen, there's times I can be veeeery stubborn and cursed her many times just because she aren't with me. but also, there's a times I want to give her support so badly. manytimes I saw her from afar, she doesn't realize it, does she?
everytime I see her from afar, I'm just trying to not think very much. 'we, already separated, don't we?' this thoughts comes in bunch of times. I'm yearning of our past.. but I can't do anything right? this just, hopeless.
we don't understand each other, do we? from the very start.
we both egoist, we both stubborn, we both act like the victim. we both want to scream at each other 'you just understand nothing!! go away!' and things. aaah~ once again I act like being pathetic.
but in the reality, when we meet, we both have a same face, like they're nothing happen.
we both don't understands, right?
'what should I do?' I'm tired for mumbling like this everyday.
sighs, I don't want to spend my limit time beside you for just taking a grudge each other like this. you're precious friends to me. this just too complicated.
just, honestly.. don't angry to me ne..



I hate you for entered those class. I hate you for not telling me the reason why you must go there. I keep regretting many things after you go there, you know.. I hate you for being so stubborn and selfish.. I hate you for seeming so ignorant to me, I hate you when you are not came and repeating 'sorry'.. I hate you when you keep talking about things I don't know.. I hate you when you seems so far to me.. I hated the way you changed in front of me.. I hate you because I can't read what's happening on you now .. I hate my own self for saying this.. but,
don't graduate first, don't disappear from us.. we want to again graduate with you so badly..
i know I keep being SOOOO selfish and stupid egoist, I know you now think I'm just a pain on the ass or something, I know this just tooooo hopeless, but..
you know people changes, right?
from now on, again with this stupid egoist, yoroshiku ne.