here we goes again..

my friend---one of my friend who have a pretty long relationship with me, came that afternoon to my place.
I'm happy to see her, because it feels like a long time we don't really meet directly because our conditions (many exams, school, more). we still communicate though, by message at least. and we were talking alot, many things, aimlessly talking here and there. a topic which comes a lot in our conversations was the past, then our mutual friends, then each other's, then future.

yep, y'know right? when it comes to the mentioning of past, we really had a lot of things together. it's rather sad though, that we talked like it was just a past thing, eventhough it had been really fun that time. but it can't be helped right? it's indeed a past thing, or properly said, memories. really, we talked about our memories a lot. then sometimes also our worries. but yeah, I know that we both aren't an open-person. so I'm glad that we can talk with each other like this because we couldn't do it in the past. this kind of situations make me think that we both are growing up to someone that we in the past even don't expect to become.

I've been through many complicated things with her, exactly. maybe we're the most complicated one between all of our mutual friends. I don't know why. we don't know why it became like that but in the end, we both changed with our own conditions and environment around, and we are fine with all of the conditions we have now. we realized that there are no tomorrow if we keep sulking forever right? so we moved with our own directions, separately. I'm not going to be all melancholy and sulky, but in the past, we both did. funny right, if we talk about it by now. we've been reallyy stupid since then. and I don't mean that we are smarter already.

she's gonna be gone away.

we are going to the same high school ever since we were staying in the same junior high. but she'll be gone one year faster than me. for some months, if we count it by now, she soon will graduate from our school. sad, right? i know, because I've feeling the same since the first time she told me about it, her unexpected decision. that time, yea, that time when we first talked about it, I don't really know about the conditions, the term of accelerations that she decided to take, and the reason. she owe me the reason until now. we don't ever talk about it, simply we don't need to. at first I demanded her a reason, she didn't answer me at all. that time I was simply--sad, and mostly dissapointed. it's depressing, right? to have someone that you call her a close friend but she didn't tell us anything at all before she decide something big. but it wasn't just me. everyone felt same. that betrayed feelings stayed for some time in our chest, hiding painfully. none of us had ever thought that she would seriously taking that accelerations system. it felt like a joke, a bad joke. that was how we--or maybe me feeling that time. I took some time to understand anything, slowly. I just couldn't take it, either accept it. 'so what was the meaning of we going to the same school if you won't be there for us graduate together!' or something like that.

but if I re-call anything by now, it's just---silly, isn't it?

don't you think we are silly? you do think right?

I was just being so--immature. I won't say that me by now is maturer or what, but, that time I stubbornly forced my own feelings to her. I thought just about myself, in my own shape of rightness, my own shape of happiness. she has her own reason, she has her own rights to choose her future, certainly by herself. so what I supposed to do with her? I can't do anything about her future. she'll be going on journey to find her own future career, her future relationship with people, and soon her partner of life. we can't stay the same, and either we can't decide what shape exactly happiness is.

so I started moving on my own road of journey. it's really hard though, and depressing. being a people in this age is so hard. we can't decide, we can't understand what we exactly supposed to do. every adults are saying the same useless words and pretend to undestand then show us the directions, even though they don't even see the road. we are helplessly thinking on our own. we are afraid of being alone, some times we just want to stay away from all of this crap. we need people to understand but no one can, we need people to love and to be loved, but it's hard for us to trust people. we are stubborn, weak, fake and hopeless things. I think that we are a sad human being.

sometimes I'm thinking that I hate growing up. growing up means a lot of things. growing up means that we can't help it but change. but going away. we have to meet many different people, we have to go to many places, to go through many more experiences and feel many feelings. it's unbearable. everyone come and go away like seasons. it's rather sad to think that many things I love will someday go away and be forgotten. many adults I tell them about it will say the same, 'you can't stay being like this.' so what should I become? they always say something that I don't properly understand. because I'm just a kid. a stupid one. and I can't help it but thinking like this. 'the world is becoming stupid, everyone is so stupid.' repeatedly.

it becomes more complicated when we have to think about future. I think that I don't---I can't yet use all of my effort on something I have to work on. in the end I'll do it half-assedly and regret it. like exams, or studies. I'm just thinking about my own happiness and not ever think about what will I do next. everyone that older than me often said, 'don't think about future yet, just enjoy your youth!' or something like that. but I do enjoy my youth, I love all of my friends and I do many stupid things and uncontrollably laughs on something silly. it doesn't mean that I'm not happy with it. I'm really happy with it. but that thing about youth isn't the same like future. thinking about future is like putting up puzzles. we'd be happy when it's done properly, right? it's like we're searching for happiness behind all of this troublesome pieces.

I wonder if that time my friend choose the different way with what she doing now, will she become happier? will it be less harder than now? will I become happier when I'm with her? will I am?

well, in the end, what is happiness, anyway?
I can't tell that if she choose the different way it will be better than this current her. happiness isn't something anyone can decide on. we won't know if we are indeed happy or not, happiness is a feeling that we won't feel it unless we do it first. it's like future, it's something vague, and it's rather troublesome to think about it in complicated way.

I don't know why I ended thinking something stupid (again) like this, I always can't get rid of this feeling of helplessness. I write this just because a random thought after I meet my friend again, not like a life review or hopeless regretful thought. I definitely still stay the same although I've writing my weakness and worries because I know I can't reflect on myself that easily. at least i'm trying though :p

okay, this is the end. I know, bad ending.

I'll write again soon.